So I've been thinking about a certain concept that I just can't grasp, for a while now. I've spoken to 3 people about my issues but its something that's really hurting.
On the day mum messaged me, Gina and Dan to tell us the devastating news (before it became officially devastating and we found out it was terminal!) me and Gina were together because it was a Monday. Mum had had awful stomach pains in the morning and rang 999. A paramedic spoke to her and after being told mums symptoms and hearing mums cough on the phone he rang mums doctors and organised an appointment for that day. Mum went and was told it was likely to be secondary liver cancer. We obviously now know its primary liver cancer and is inoperable and incurable. Mums message told us to go to hers when we could without kiddies.. So me and G already knew something was up. We were going to be told something we didn't like. So in the very short car journey from mine to mums, me and GG rationalised that mums appointment at the doctors was not for another 2 days so it wasn't anything to do with her health (we didn't know what had gone on earlier that day). The reason for this meeting with us 3 without kiddies present was obviously because mum and Greg had decided to sell the house. There was NO other reason for this meeting.. There couldn't be.. Because mums doctors appointment wasn't for another 2 days! This is what we repeated and as we drove down our home street we were laughing (kind of nervously) at the fact that mum was #sellingthefuckinghouse!
Then we were told.. In a very tongue in cheek way by mum, we were going to be rich soon because she had cancer. Secondary liver cancer. Stupid doctor couldn't even get that right! And had told mum in such a cold manner that he should be struck off! For other things as well, this is the doctor who told me repeatedly that my 5 month old did not have a chest infection, when he did! And told me when I was having chest pains after Romeo was born, to come back if I started coughing up blood!!
So the issue that I can't get out of my head, I think partly because I'm trying to avoid thinking of other things, although this is probably one of the hardest things I think about, is our house, our home. Yep, welling up!
That house is SO special to us because it was the house mum and dad had seen being built and decided was their dream house. Corner plot with a massive garden backing on to beautiful fields, down a perfect cul-de-sac.
As you can imagine, so many of my memories are from that house..
I remember the day we moved in, I remember driving down the street to see our new house, big house, for the first time. I remember going in to the bedrooms with no carpets, just the grey cement floor and little numbers on the window frames, numbering the rooms in size order. Obviously mum and Laurie were having room number 1 with the en suite. Naturally I was supposed to have room number 2 at the back of the house, Gina number 3 and Dan number 4, both at the front of the house.
I remember the first night.. I was asleep on the floor on a mattress because we hadn't bought the bed yet. I had gone from sharing a double bed in 1 room with Gina and Dan, to my own bed in my own room. Me being me, I was a scaredy cat and couldn't deal with that big a change in the space I had all to myself, so I asked to swap rooms to the smaller room. Gina obliged of course because that's what middle children do! wink wink! And then, me being me, I got upset thinking I had missed out on the big room because of my fear.. So we swapped back.. And then, me being me, I got scared again and swapped back again!! If I remember rightly I wanted to continue this little back and forth routine, but after the 3rd swap, mum and Laurie decided enough was enough and I stayed in the smaller room at the front of the house!
I remember the first weekend we moved in was Gina's birthday weekend and mum made the most of the new garden, we had a stone/tarmac driveway before and that was it! So she hired a bouncy castle. I remember meeting 2 boys from down the street that weekend, Sam and Craig. Sam was 5 like GG and Craig was 7 like me. Then there was Kieran who was 3 like Dan.
I remember playing kiss chase with Sam and Craig in our back garden, I definitely ran faster from Sam than from Craig!
I remember Simon and Matty used to use our front garden and side of our house before we moved in as a place to play football. There was a worn patch on the grass from whoever was goalkeeper skidding on the grass to save the goals. I remember Laurie telling them they couldn't play there anymore because mum was gonna plant some trees.
I remember the douchebag who moved in next door not long after we moved in and mum planting hedges to separate the 2 gardens because the bloke was a weirdo!!
I remember the ice cream men, one italian man named Gino and one indian man, whose ice creams weren't as nice as Ginos so we always used to check which one it was before I sent out either Gina or Dan to save the van while me and the other one collected either our pocket money or begged mum to get us one!
I remember getting new bikes one Christmas and feeling so special!
I remember Sam and Craig writing on the walls by John and Cathys house "go home little girl" in an attempt to tell me to go back to the flat. That little girl nick name remained for me from Craig.
I remember "a pancake and a crep" (I know that's not how it's spelt, that's how me and Kieran used to say it!) at the sign post outside Kieran's house.
I remember Fiona, Kirsten and William at number 1 who none of us really liked but they used to help us gang up on Sam and James, power in numbers and all that.
I remember playing British Bulldog and Red Rover and Curby.
I remember pogs and pokemon cards.
I remember having to stay on the pink bits, not the black bits.
I remember walking down the shop and feeling so grown up that I could go with other kids, not adults.
I remember bbqs for the grown ups meaning we could all stay up late.
I remember turning 14 and falling in love with the boy next door, well 2 doors down but close enough.
I remember him and his mate climbing over our gate and sneaking into our playhouse when I had my mate over one night. I remember the punishment after that! We had to creosote the playhouse, and we turned it green! There's A LOT of similar memories connected to this person but if I went into all of them, I'd be here for another 3 hours writing them up! This is probably the most tame one of them all, plus a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets so I'm keeping some for myself.
I remember 14 years worth of birthdays for me, Gina and Dan.
I remember proms and discos, and mums wedding to Greg.
I remember sitting up against John and Cathys garage with the Archway Crew, ordering pizza to the green box outside the street.
I remember fights and police.
I remember Christmasses and New Year Parties.
I remember getting drunk, a lot.
I remember summer holidays.
I remember laughter, and love, and life.
I honestly could write a book about all of the memories I made in that home.
And this is what I'm struggling with, really struggling with. It's the one thing that gets me crying every time I think of it, which is often! At some point in the not so distant future I am not going to be able to drive or walk down that street anymore. To see our home. The beautiful garden and bricks and mortar that hold so much of who I am. I won't be able to argue with the silly old woman next door about where our driveway ends and hers begins, or whose bloody bin is whose! I won't be able to slyly look up at Craigs old bedroom window, every time I go past his house. I won't be able to kick the stow away stones from peoples driveways down the drains. I won't be able to walk through our front door. At some point our house, our home, will become somebody else's. I categorically cannot handle that! No one lived in that house before we did, and no one else should until we're all gone!!!
Oh and if anyone is wondering where the old sign went, I have it! :p I need it. To stop me from having to let go. Something I never want to do to the place I will always call home.
