Struggling with this one.. I think I've struggled with most of my blog posts to be fair.
Recently I've been noticing more and more the things Kovu has stopped doing because he's "too big."
I was speaking to a parent at the school the other day and they were asking if my youngest still has a nap, I replied that he still has 2 during the day and then sleeps through the night so I'm not complaining! I still have him sleep on me for his naps in the day and I'm really savouring them at the minute because it makes it all more apparent that I don't do this with my 2 bigger boys anymore!
I've had to stop Kovu from riding on the front of the buggy because he makes it impossible to steer and that was hard to stop him from doing because it's just another teeny tiny milestone that's been reached.
He still comes into our bed in the mornings but now, instead of getting into the bed with us he curls up down the bottom with a blanket I purposely keep at the side of the bed for him because he is the last to come into the bed and he just doesn't fit. I wait for Daddy to get out of bed for work in the mornings so I can snuggle with the 3 of them, but by this point Kovu is watching netflix on my phone in Daddys spot, Romeo next to him, Eric next to him and me on the end snuggling my baby, trying for dear life to hold on to all 3 of them for a few moments more.
This is a quick one because I've got to go and get my big bub from school and Georgie is trying to tap away with me! But I suppose what I'm saying is: "life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it." Don't miss it, live it!
Tuesday, 22 November 2016
Friday, 19 August 2016
Why did I go into childcare?!
Been asked tonight what lead me to childcare, and loads of typical answers came to my head that are actually all rubbish!! No one goes into childcare for the money, cos there's no bloody money in it! Love of children, typical, broad, meaningless answer, etc etc.. I actually felt a bit stumped as to what my true answer was!! Runs in my family, wanted a big family so might as well get some relevant qualifications and experience for the future while earning money, bla bla.. I remember being at uni, watching cbeebies, squiglet to be precise, and I thought I really want to look after kiddies, yep that made me consider being a nursery nurse (I prefer that term to nursery practitioner - that doesn't sound warm enough!) but what was it that made me follow that path and actually enjoy it???
And then it clicked.. Even before I was a mummy myself, I empathised with the poor parents who had to work and leave their baby in a childcare setting. I wanted to make sure that the kiddies whose parents had to do this, felt love and warmth and laughter and kindness like they would in the arms of their mummies. If they could not be the ones who could rock them or stroke them to sleep for their nap, I would do it lovingly for them, if they could not be the ones to give their little one their breakfast, I would do it with a smile on my face, singing nursery rhymes to settle them in for the day. If they could not be the ones to take them outside to dig for treasure in the sand that day, or get really messy with some paint or baked beans or cornflour, I would do it and get messy with them!! I wanted the parents of the children I would care for to feel completely relaxed and happy that their child was in my care for the day. I wanted to show them that their child was happy in my care with loads of photos and personalised daily diaries, not the generic crap that is often produced!
Over the years I had forgotten this to a certain extent, in the way that I no longer felt that I wanted to be the one at work while somebody else looked after my children because (with the exception of a very few amount!) I haven't found a nursery nurse who I believe went into the profession for the same reasons as me! Now, as a parent, I believe even more that this is why I followed this path and I have been lucky enough to have felt that I did fulfil my reasons for going into this job! I have had one parent who was umming and arring about returning to work and what nursery/childcare setting she should leave her baby in, who, after having a chat with me actually went into the office at my setting and told the manager at the time that I was a big part of why she was choosing our nursery! That was such a massive boost to me at the time, that I was right where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was made for! Other parents I know have felt safe and secure and happy in the knowledge that their child is with me for the day from the feedback I got at my most favourite place to work. I'm not bragging I'm just feeling extremely overwhelmed tonight by the question I was asked and needed to write it all down!
All this has really made me look at going back to work in September with new (or rather my old!) eyes and views! I'm only going back for 2 days a week so my 3 will only need the before and after school club/longer days at pre school and days with auntie GG for 2 days out of a 5 day week, but in those 2 days when I am sent to a setting I'm going to remember my reasons for wanting to do this job and follow this path and I am going to love it!!
Saturday, 7 May 2016
Letting go..
So I've been thinking about a certain concept that I just can't grasp, for a while now. I've spoken to 3 people about my issues but its something that's really hurting.
On the day mum messaged me, Gina and Dan to tell us the devastating news (before it became officially devastating and we found out it was terminal!) me and Gina were together because it was a Monday. Mum had had awful stomach pains in the morning and rang 999. A paramedic spoke to her and after being told mums symptoms and hearing mums cough on the phone he rang mums doctors and organised an appointment for that day. Mum went and was told it was likely to be secondary liver cancer. We obviously now know its primary liver cancer and is inoperable and incurable. Mums message told us to go to hers when we could without kiddies.. So me and G already knew something was up. We were going to be told something we didn't like. So in the very short car journey from mine to mums, me and GG rationalised that mums appointment at the doctors was not for another 2 days so it wasn't anything to do with her health (we didn't know what had gone on earlier that day). The reason for this meeting with us 3 without kiddies present was obviously because mum and Greg had decided to sell the house. There was NO other reason for this meeting.. There couldn't be.. Because mums doctors appointment wasn't for another 2 days! This is what we repeated and as we drove down our home street we were laughing (kind of nervously) at the fact that mum was #sellingthefuckinghouse!
Then we were told.. In a very tongue in cheek way by mum, we were going to be rich soon because she had cancer. Secondary liver cancer. Stupid doctor couldn't even get that right! And had told mum in such a cold manner that he should be struck off! For other things as well, this is the doctor who told me repeatedly that my 5 month old did not have a chest infection, when he did! And told me when I was having chest pains after Romeo was born, to come back if I started coughing up blood!!
So the issue that I can't get out of my head, I think partly because I'm trying to avoid thinking of other things, although this is probably one of the hardest things I think about, is our house, our home. Yep, welling up!
That house is SO special to us because it was the house mum and dad had seen being built and decided was their dream house. Corner plot with a massive garden backing on to beautiful fields, down a perfect cul-de-sac.
As you can imagine, so many of my memories are from that house..
I remember the day we moved in, I remember driving down the street to see our new house, big house, for the first time. I remember going in to the bedrooms with no carpets, just the grey cement floor and little numbers on the window frames, numbering the rooms in size order. Obviously mum and Laurie were having room number 1 with the en suite. Naturally I was supposed to have room number 2 at the back of the house, Gina number 3 and Dan number 4, both at the front of the house.
I remember the first night.. I was asleep on the floor on a mattress because we hadn't bought the bed yet. I had gone from sharing a double bed in 1 room with Gina and Dan, to my own bed in my own room. Me being me, I was a scaredy cat and couldn't deal with that big a change in the space I had all to myself, so I asked to swap rooms to the smaller room. Gina obliged of course because that's what middle children do! wink wink! And then, me being me, I got upset thinking I had missed out on the big room because of my fear.. So we swapped back.. And then, me being me, I got scared again and swapped back again!! If I remember rightly I wanted to continue this little back and forth routine, but after the 3rd swap, mum and Laurie decided enough was enough and I stayed in the smaller room at the front of the house!
I remember the first weekend we moved in was Gina's birthday weekend and mum made the most of the new garden, we had a stone/tarmac driveway before and that was it! So she hired a bouncy castle. I remember meeting 2 boys from down the street that weekend, Sam and Craig. Sam was 5 like GG and Craig was 7 like me. Then there was Kieran who was 3 like Dan.
I remember playing kiss chase with Sam and Craig in our back garden, I definitely ran faster from Sam than from Craig!
I remember Simon and Matty used to use our front garden and side of our house before we moved in as a place to play football. There was a worn patch on the grass from whoever was goalkeeper skidding on the grass to save the goals. I remember Laurie telling them they couldn't play there anymore because mum was gonna plant some trees.
I remember the douchebag who moved in next door not long after we moved in and mum planting hedges to separate the 2 gardens because the bloke was a weirdo!!
I remember the ice cream men, one italian man named Gino and one indian man, whose ice creams weren't as nice as Ginos so we always used to check which one it was before I sent out either Gina or Dan to save the van while me and the other one collected either our pocket money or begged mum to get us one!
I remember getting new bikes one Christmas and feeling so special!
I remember Sam and Craig writing on the walls by John and Cathys house "go home little girl" in an attempt to tell me to go back to the flat. That little girl nick name remained for me from Craig.
I remember "a pancake and a crep" (I know that's not how it's spelt, that's how me and Kieran used to say it!) at the sign post outside Kieran's house.
I remember Fiona, Kirsten and William at number 1 who none of us really liked but they used to help us gang up on Sam and James, power in numbers and all that.
I remember playing British Bulldog and Red Rover and Curby.
I remember pogs and pokemon cards.
I remember having to stay on the pink bits, not the black bits.
I remember walking down the shop and feeling so grown up that I could go with other kids, not adults.
I remember bbqs for the grown ups meaning we could all stay up late.
I remember turning 14 and falling in love with the boy next door, well 2 doors down but close enough.
I remember him and his mate climbing over our gate and sneaking into our playhouse when I had my mate over one night. I remember the punishment after that! We had to creosote the playhouse, and we turned it green! There's A LOT of similar memories connected to this person but if I went into all of them, I'd be here for another 3 hours writing them up! This is probably the most tame one of them all, plus a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets so I'm keeping some for myself.
I remember 14 years worth of birthdays for me, Gina and Dan.
I remember proms and discos, and mums wedding to Greg.
I remember sitting up against John and Cathys garage with the Archway Crew, ordering pizza to the green box outside the street.
I remember fights and police.
I remember Christmasses and New Year Parties.
I remember getting drunk, a lot.
I remember summer holidays.
I remember laughter, and love, and life.
I honestly could write a book about all of the memories I made in that home.
And this is what I'm struggling with, really struggling with. It's the one thing that gets me crying every time I think of it, which is often! At some point in the not so distant future I am not going to be able to drive or walk down that street anymore. To see our home. The beautiful garden and bricks and mortar that hold so much of who I am. I won't be able to argue with the silly old woman next door about where our driveway ends and hers begins, or whose bloody bin is whose! I won't be able to slyly look up at Craigs old bedroom window, every time I go past his house. I won't be able to kick the stow away stones from peoples driveways down the drains. I won't be able to walk through our front door. At some point our house, our home, will become somebody else's. I categorically cannot handle that! No one lived in that house before we did, and no one else should until we're all gone!!!
Oh and if anyone is wondering where the old sign went, I have it! :p I need it. To stop me from having to let go. Something I never want to do to the place I will always call home.
On the day mum messaged me, Gina and Dan to tell us the devastating news (before it became officially devastating and we found out it was terminal!) me and Gina were together because it was a Monday. Mum had had awful stomach pains in the morning and rang 999. A paramedic spoke to her and after being told mums symptoms and hearing mums cough on the phone he rang mums doctors and organised an appointment for that day. Mum went and was told it was likely to be secondary liver cancer. We obviously now know its primary liver cancer and is inoperable and incurable. Mums message told us to go to hers when we could without kiddies.. So me and G already knew something was up. We were going to be told something we didn't like. So in the very short car journey from mine to mums, me and GG rationalised that mums appointment at the doctors was not for another 2 days so it wasn't anything to do with her health (we didn't know what had gone on earlier that day). The reason for this meeting with us 3 without kiddies present was obviously because mum and Greg had decided to sell the house. There was NO other reason for this meeting.. There couldn't be.. Because mums doctors appointment wasn't for another 2 days! This is what we repeated and as we drove down our home street we were laughing (kind of nervously) at the fact that mum was #sellingthefuckinghouse!
Then we were told.. In a very tongue in cheek way by mum, we were going to be rich soon because she had cancer. Secondary liver cancer. Stupid doctor couldn't even get that right! And had told mum in such a cold manner that he should be struck off! For other things as well, this is the doctor who told me repeatedly that my 5 month old did not have a chest infection, when he did! And told me when I was having chest pains after Romeo was born, to come back if I started coughing up blood!!
So the issue that I can't get out of my head, I think partly because I'm trying to avoid thinking of other things, although this is probably one of the hardest things I think about, is our house, our home. Yep, welling up!
That house is SO special to us because it was the house mum and dad had seen being built and decided was their dream house. Corner plot with a massive garden backing on to beautiful fields, down a perfect cul-de-sac.
As you can imagine, so many of my memories are from that house..
I remember the day we moved in, I remember driving down the street to see our new house, big house, for the first time. I remember going in to the bedrooms with no carpets, just the grey cement floor and little numbers on the window frames, numbering the rooms in size order. Obviously mum and Laurie were having room number 1 with the en suite. Naturally I was supposed to have room number 2 at the back of the house, Gina number 3 and Dan number 4, both at the front of the house.
I remember the first night.. I was asleep on the floor on a mattress because we hadn't bought the bed yet. I had gone from sharing a double bed in 1 room with Gina and Dan, to my own bed in my own room. Me being me, I was a scaredy cat and couldn't deal with that big a change in the space I had all to myself, so I asked to swap rooms to the smaller room. Gina obliged of course because that's what middle children do! wink wink! And then, me being me, I got upset thinking I had missed out on the big room because of my fear.. So we swapped back.. And then, me being me, I got scared again and swapped back again!! If I remember rightly I wanted to continue this little back and forth routine, but after the 3rd swap, mum and Laurie decided enough was enough and I stayed in the smaller room at the front of the house!
I remember the first weekend we moved in was Gina's birthday weekend and mum made the most of the new garden, we had a stone/tarmac driveway before and that was it! So she hired a bouncy castle. I remember meeting 2 boys from down the street that weekend, Sam and Craig. Sam was 5 like GG and Craig was 7 like me. Then there was Kieran who was 3 like Dan.
I remember playing kiss chase with Sam and Craig in our back garden, I definitely ran faster from Sam than from Craig!
I remember Simon and Matty used to use our front garden and side of our house before we moved in as a place to play football. There was a worn patch on the grass from whoever was goalkeeper skidding on the grass to save the goals. I remember Laurie telling them they couldn't play there anymore because mum was gonna plant some trees.
I remember the douchebag who moved in next door not long after we moved in and mum planting hedges to separate the 2 gardens because the bloke was a weirdo!!
I remember the ice cream men, one italian man named Gino and one indian man, whose ice creams weren't as nice as Ginos so we always used to check which one it was before I sent out either Gina or Dan to save the van while me and the other one collected either our pocket money or begged mum to get us one!
I remember getting new bikes one Christmas and feeling so special!
I remember Sam and Craig writing on the walls by John and Cathys house "go home little girl" in an attempt to tell me to go back to the flat. That little girl nick name remained for me from Craig.
I remember "a pancake and a crep" (I know that's not how it's spelt, that's how me and Kieran used to say it!) at the sign post outside Kieran's house.
I remember Fiona, Kirsten and William at number 1 who none of us really liked but they used to help us gang up on Sam and James, power in numbers and all that.
I remember playing British Bulldog and Red Rover and Curby.
I remember pogs and pokemon cards.
I remember having to stay on the pink bits, not the black bits.
I remember walking down the shop and feeling so grown up that I could go with other kids, not adults.
I remember bbqs for the grown ups meaning we could all stay up late.
I remember turning 14 and falling in love with the boy next door, well 2 doors down but close enough.
I remember him and his mate climbing over our gate and sneaking into our playhouse when I had my mate over one night. I remember the punishment after that! We had to creosote the playhouse, and we turned it green! There's A LOT of similar memories connected to this person but if I went into all of them, I'd be here for another 3 hours writing them up! This is probably the most tame one of them all, plus a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets so I'm keeping some for myself.
I remember 14 years worth of birthdays for me, Gina and Dan.
I remember proms and discos, and mums wedding to Greg.
I remember sitting up against John and Cathys garage with the Archway Crew, ordering pizza to the green box outside the street.
I remember fights and police.
I remember Christmasses and New Year Parties.
I remember getting drunk, a lot.
I remember summer holidays.
I remember laughter, and love, and life.
I honestly could write a book about all of the memories I made in that home.
And this is what I'm struggling with, really struggling with. It's the one thing that gets me crying every time I think of it, which is often! At some point in the not so distant future I am not going to be able to drive or walk down that street anymore. To see our home. The beautiful garden and bricks and mortar that hold so much of who I am. I won't be able to argue with the silly old woman next door about where our driveway ends and hers begins, or whose bloody bin is whose! I won't be able to slyly look up at Craigs old bedroom window, every time I go past his house. I won't be able to kick the stow away stones from peoples driveways down the drains. I won't be able to walk through our front door. At some point our house, our home, will become somebody else's. I categorically cannot handle that! No one lived in that house before we did, and no one else should until we're all gone!!!
Oh and if anyone is wondering where the old sign went, I have it! :p I need it. To stop me from having to let go. Something I never want to do to the place I will always call home.
Thursday, 7 April 2016
How it should be..
Struggling tonight.
Eric won't settle so I do what I always do and sing to him.. First song that always comes out is Any Dream Will Do from Joseph. It's the song Mum used to sing to me and it's without fail always the first song that comes easily to my head. I remember having nights after my Dad died when I wouldn't settle and Mum lay on our bed with us and stroked my hair singing this song. Because of how special this song is I now cry every time I sing it to one of my babies to settle them. (Thought this was cute so just adding it in, Eric is currently wiping my tears on my chin as he tries to stick his fingers in my mouth, something all 3 of mine have done when they're trying to keep themselves awake!)
So anyway, because I was crying I thought I'd find the song on YouTube and play it to Eric that way. And in doing this I found tickets for Joseph in June/July at MK. I went to book them online but then remembered Mum would probably need a wheelchair by then. So I have to ring to book. That, of course, is not a problem! What's upsetting is that it's gonna come to that..
My best friend sent me a picture today of a TimeHop with her Mummy and that hurt. I was sad that she was sad and then I remembered..
I don't want to be doing that! Not until I'm sixty fucking six!!!!
My Dad missed everything! EVERYTHING!! My first day of school, and everything beyond, Gina's hair hadn't even grown beyond her shoulders when he died, and he never saw Dan take his first mouthful of food or see his first tooth come through! He didn't see any of our teeth fall out, let alone any of the other things! Even Dans first Christmas for fucks sake!!
So Mum shouldn't have to miss a goddamn thing!!!!
My Grandma has seen her grandchildren (actually only me and G at the moment, but whatever) have kids of our own, something my Mum is never gonna see.
Mum won't even see the youngest of her own children have a baby.
Who the fuck decided that was the way it should be?!?!?!
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
So all of this is wrong.. Completely wrong. And shit. And shitty fucking bollucks shitty shitty shit shit
Eric won't settle so I do what I always do and sing to him.. First song that always comes out is Any Dream Will Do from Joseph. It's the song Mum used to sing to me and it's without fail always the first song that comes easily to my head. I remember having nights after my Dad died when I wouldn't settle and Mum lay on our bed with us and stroked my hair singing this song. Because of how special this song is I now cry every time I sing it to one of my babies to settle them. (Thought this was cute so just adding it in, Eric is currently wiping my tears on my chin as he tries to stick his fingers in my mouth, something all 3 of mine have done when they're trying to keep themselves awake!)
So anyway, because I was crying I thought I'd find the song on YouTube and play it to Eric that way. And in doing this I found tickets for Joseph in June/July at MK. I went to book them online but then remembered Mum would probably need a wheelchair by then. So I have to ring to book. That, of course, is not a problem! What's upsetting is that it's gonna come to that..
My best friend sent me a picture today of a TimeHop with her Mummy and that hurt. I was sad that she was sad and then I remembered..
I don't want to be doing that! Not until I'm sixty fucking six!!!!
My Dad missed everything! EVERYTHING!! My first day of school, and everything beyond, Gina's hair hadn't even grown beyond her shoulders when he died, and he never saw Dan take his first mouthful of food or see his first tooth come through! He didn't see any of our teeth fall out, let alone any of the other things! Even Dans first Christmas for fucks sake!!
So Mum shouldn't have to miss a goddamn thing!!!!
My Grandma has seen her grandchildren (actually only me and G at the moment, but whatever) have kids of our own, something my Mum is never gonna see.
Mum won't even see the youngest of her own children have a baby.
Who the fuck decided that was the way it should be?!?!?!
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
So all of this is wrong.. Completely wrong. And shit. And shitty fucking bollucks shitty shitty shit shit
Monday, 28 March 2016
Opinions are like arse holes... Everyone has one, and that includes me!
What a weird week!
Since Wednesday my middle bub has been in a massive storm of terrible twos-ness! He calmed down yesterday!
My big boy had a settling in visit at his new pre-school, the one attached to the school he will (hopefully) be going to in September. And he had his last day at his old pre-school, the one he's been at on and off since he was 5 months old!!
My littlest bub has been a bit poorly, full of cold, and therefore really clingy which is unlike him.
One day this week, I can't remember which, the days roll in to one atm, I woke up and was greeted with an online news article about the gofundme page. Ooo exciting! And then not so much because the headline is something I just don't want to read. And then reading the full article was a bit heartbreaking because in my opinion it's not particularly sensitively written and there are bits in it that I didn't say, mum didn't say etc. I posted an update to clarify a few things but others have annoyed me too! Aydens surname was NOT supposed to be printed! I did not say "it's supposed to be the happiest day of your life" (that for me was, and always will be, the birth of my children!) mum did not say "real dad" that phrase really gets to me, because I don't have a real dad and a fake dad! I have a dad, who is not with us in body, but he is still my one and only dad!!!!!! My bridesmaid Leah was the one who had the idea for the page and actually had to convince me and G to set the page up! And finally there was no mention of Nick Coffer and his BBC 3 counties radio show, whose listeners make up such a massive amount of the total donations on the page, during the show we rocketed from £385 to £1400!! And then the donations continued and by the end of that weekend (the show was on a Friday) we had hit and exceeded the target and been offered everything we needed other than the venue (which we do now have!)
After the mirror printed the article, the metro did too and itv news online. Again the headline is awful for us to read! And is factually incorrect! It states that I am having mum walk me down the aisle, this is not, and never was, the case. After my dad died I wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle as he was the closest thing I had to a dad. But this changed as I got older and his daughter got older. I wouldn't want to take that moment away from my cousin so I went for the next logical person in my mind which is my brother. He is my dads only son and all us 3 are extremely close so that worked for me. My mum walked my sister down the aisle and that worked for her. Mum is walking (or being wheeled) with us down the aisle but in terms of "giving me away" that is my brother. The itv news post received a selection of comments, most lovely ones expressing their support and positive thoughts, but a few were negative. I am not stupid or naive! I knew there would be some who disliked what we were doing, so I expected these comments, just like I expected them on the gofundme page and the gofundme Facebook post. However, that doesn't make reading them any easier. And the little dog syndrome I suffer from means I really want to answer them!!! If they are allowed to express their opinion why am I not allowed to reply?! That is what I will never understand about people who defend the negative comments, they say it's ok for this person to express their opinion but then don't think it's ok for me to express mine in replying to them!!! What?!?!
So instead, I say a few comments and then get told to stop! This is what I need because otherwise I get more and more angry (I was angry crying yesterday after reading one comment and not being able to reply!) so I am going to reply to them on here! 😁
1. I have not asked a single person to donate! Everyone who has donated has done so because they have chosen to click on that donate button!
2. I am so grateful to everyone, the gratefulness flows out of my eyes every time there's a new donation or loving comment or message!
3. In terms of donating the money to cancer research I have a few things to say, and please bear in mind this is my blog and my outlet for the negative feelings I have so that I don't carry them around with me, if you have a negative opinion on this please feel free to express it and I will probably respond with another blog expressing my feelings on your negative feelings 😂 So my response to that is first and foremost, I never gave to cancer research before (other than when I ran/walked the race for life) because I donate when I can to other causes. Guide dogs, wwf, Keech cottage, great ormand street, road victims trust, Millie's trust and anything that jumps out at me at being a good cause in my eyes, so why would I pick that as the charity of my choice now?
Secondly, and this is straight from the heart, fat lot of good cancer research is going to do for me now, in terms of mum! 8-11 months takes us to October-January and I'd rather make amazing memories with mum in that time than take a chance on a few thousand making a big enough difference to cure mum in that time! Peoples donations have also been made with the intention of helping us pay for our wedding, they haven't given that money for anything else, and that includes cancer research!! Everyone who donated after we reached the target was fully aware they were donating more than the target and as far as I'm aware none of those people expect us to donate the money to cancer research!!
Thirdly, I am nearing the end of month off March, where I gave up chocolate and Coke and people sponsored me to do so and the money is going to cancer research. I am also running the muddy fun run with my best friend in July and the money we raise from that will be going to cancer research too. So I'm not not doing anything for cancer research!! Kovu and Romeo also donate 10% of their pocket money every month to cancer research! Me and G are currently learning to knit so that we can knit clothes for the neonatal unit at Bedford because of how much they have helped us with my big bub and my baby bub. Me and Ayden also want to donate a cot to the neonatal unit when we can. And when we are in a position to do so, my sister and I have a little something extra up our sleeve for the staff at the hospital. Me and Ayden will also be setting up a regular donation to a number of charities when we are in a position to do so but at the moment we have 3 young boys to raise and I am on maternity leave!! So we are not in that position right now!! Also the comment that made me cry with anger because I couldn't reply was one very simple sentence from one person that said "wouldn't it be better to give the money to cancer research" and her profile picture was her at her wedding! The main person with the most negative comments profile picture was also her at her wedding!! And my response to them is actually no! Like I've said, fat lot of good that money would be to cancer research now for mum!! The money from your wedding however, may well have been better spent there because you obviously got married before mum was given her diagnosis and they may have been able to find the cure with the money from your weddings!! Did anyone tell you the money for your wedding would have been better spent elsewhere?! I will assume not! So why do they feel they can put a negative spin on people's generosity to us at this totally shitty time!!! I feel like they are taking away the kindness of all these people and that breaks me!
But now I'm done reading the comments from these people and I'm done harbouring on the articles themselves. We're crashing g n js family trip to ikea today (they don't know we're crashing it yet!) and we're going to have a lovely bank holiday Monday!
So again thank you so bloody much to every single one of the people who have donated, offered support, services, items and kind words!!!!! I will never be able to express just how grateful we are!!!
Lots of love xxxx
Since Wednesday my middle bub has been in a massive storm of terrible twos-ness! He calmed down yesterday!
My big boy had a settling in visit at his new pre-school, the one attached to the school he will (hopefully) be going to in September. And he had his last day at his old pre-school, the one he's been at on and off since he was 5 months old!!
My littlest bub has been a bit poorly, full of cold, and therefore really clingy which is unlike him.
One day this week, I can't remember which, the days roll in to one atm, I woke up and was greeted with an online news article about the gofundme page. Ooo exciting! And then not so much because the headline is something I just don't want to read. And then reading the full article was a bit heartbreaking because in my opinion it's not particularly sensitively written and there are bits in it that I didn't say, mum didn't say etc. I posted an update to clarify a few things but others have annoyed me too! Aydens surname was NOT supposed to be printed! I did not say "it's supposed to be the happiest day of your life" (that for me was, and always will be, the birth of my children!) mum did not say "real dad" that phrase really gets to me, because I don't have a real dad and a fake dad! I have a dad, who is not with us in body, but he is still my one and only dad!!!!!! My bridesmaid Leah was the one who had the idea for the page and actually had to convince me and G to set the page up! And finally there was no mention of Nick Coffer and his BBC 3 counties radio show, whose listeners make up such a massive amount of the total donations on the page, during the show we rocketed from £385 to £1400!! And then the donations continued and by the end of that weekend (the show was on a Friday) we had hit and exceeded the target and been offered everything we needed other than the venue (which we do now have!)
After the mirror printed the article, the metro did too and itv news online. Again the headline is awful for us to read! And is factually incorrect! It states that I am having mum walk me down the aisle, this is not, and never was, the case. After my dad died I wanted my uncle to walk me down the aisle as he was the closest thing I had to a dad. But this changed as I got older and his daughter got older. I wouldn't want to take that moment away from my cousin so I went for the next logical person in my mind which is my brother. He is my dads only son and all us 3 are extremely close so that worked for me. My mum walked my sister down the aisle and that worked for her. Mum is walking (or being wheeled) with us down the aisle but in terms of "giving me away" that is my brother. The itv news post received a selection of comments, most lovely ones expressing their support and positive thoughts, but a few were negative. I am not stupid or naive! I knew there would be some who disliked what we were doing, so I expected these comments, just like I expected them on the gofundme page and the gofundme Facebook post. However, that doesn't make reading them any easier. And the little dog syndrome I suffer from means I really want to answer them!!! If they are allowed to express their opinion why am I not allowed to reply?! That is what I will never understand about people who defend the negative comments, they say it's ok for this person to express their opinion but then don't think it's ok for me to express mine in replying to them!!! What?!?!
So instead, I say a few comments and then get told to stop! This is what I need because otherwise I get more and more angry (I was angry crying yesterday after reading one comment and not being able to reply!) so I am going to reply to them on here! 😁
1. I have not asked a single person to donate! Everyone who has donated has done so because they have chosen to click on that donate button!
2. I am so grateful to everyone, the gratefulness flows out of my eyes every time there's a new donation or loving comment or message!
3. In terms of donating the money to cancer research I have a few things to say, and please bear in mind this is my blog and my outlet for the negative feelings I have so that I don't carry them around with me, if you have a negative opinion on this please feel free to express it and I will probably respond with another blog expressing my feelings on your negative feelings 😂 So my response to that is first and foremost, I never gave to cancer research before (other than when I ran/walked the race for life) because I donate when I can to other causes. Guide dogs, wwf, Keech cottage, great ormand street, road victims trust, Millie's trust and anything that jumps out at me at being a good cause in my eyes, so why would I pick that as the charity of my choice now?
Secondly, and this is straight from the heart, fat lot of good cancer research is going to do for me now, in terms of mum! 8-11 months takes us to October-January and I'd rather make amazing memories with mum in that time than take a chance on a few thousand making a big enough difference to cure mum in that time! Peoples donations have also been made with the intention of helping us pay for our wedding, they haven't given that money for anything else, and that includes cancer research!! Everyone who donated after we reached the target was fully aware they were donating more than the target and as far as I'm aware none of those people expect us to donate the money to cancer research!!
Thirdly, I am nearing the end of month off March, where I gave up chocolate and Coke and people sponsored me to do so and the money is going to cancer research. I am also running the muddy fun run with my best friend in July and the money we raise from that will be going to cancer research too. So I'm not not doing anything for cancer research!! Kovu and Romeo also donate 10% of their pocket money every month to cancer research! Me and G are currently learning to knit so that we can knit clothes for the neonatal unit at Bedford because of how much they have helped us with my big bub and my baby bub. Me and Ayden also want to donate a cot to the neonatal unit when we can. And when we are in a position to do so, my sister and I have a little something extra up our sleeve for the staff at the hospital. Me and Ayden will also be setting up a regular donation to a number of charities when we are in a position to do so but at the moment we have 3 young boys to raise and I am on maternity leave!! So we are not in that position right now!! Also the comment that made me cry with anger because I couldn't reply was one very simple sentence from one person that said "wouldn't it be better to give the money to cancer research" and her profile picture was her at her wedding! The main person with the most negative comments profile picture was also her at her wedding!! And my response to them is actually no! Like I've said, fat lot of good that money would be to cancer research now for mum!! The money from your wedding however, may well have been better spent there because you obviously got married before mum was given her diagnosis and they may have been able to find the cure with the money from your weddings!! Did anyone tell you the money for your wedding would have been better spent elsewhere?! I will assume not! So why do they feel they can put a negative spin on people's generosity to us at this totally shitty time!!! I feel like they are taking away the kindness of all these people and that breaks me!
But now I'm done reading the comments from these people and I'm done harbouring on the articles themselves. We're crashing g n js family trip to ikea today (they don't know we're crashing it yet!) and we're going to have a lovely bank holiday Monday!
So again thank you so bloody much to every single one of the people who have donated, offered support, services, items and kind words!!!!! I will never be able to express just how grateful we are!!!
Lots of love xxxx
Saturday, 20 February 2016
I can't do this!
I'm in bits tonight. The past week has been completely surreal. I have no words to express how I feel and my gratitude to every single person who has donated, offered a service and offered their kind, heartfelt words.
My emotions are all over the place atm.. My head is everywhere and my thoughts are scattered! I am attempting to organise a wedding in 4 months, this process has been eased a great deal by everyone's generosity!!
But after my high points come the lowest points I've ever felt.. The reality hits me in the face like Mike Tyson with a knuckle duster. I feel sick, heartbroken, completely useless and as if I'm never gonna smile again!
Losing a parent is devastating. But it is the natural order. But not this young!! My mum should have another 40 years left. To grow old disgracefully! My mum is not just one parent either. She's both of ours and has been for 23 years. I can't cope without her. She's who I run to for everything!! And not just her kids run to her. So many of my friends run to her too. I can't do this.
My emotions are all over the place atm.. My head is everywhere and my thoughts are scattered! I am attempting to organise a wedding in 4 months, this process has been eased a great deal by everyone's generosity!!
But after my high points come the lowest points I've ever felt.. The reality hits me in the face like Mike Tyson with a knuckle duster. I feel sick, heartbroken, completely useless and as if I'm never gonna smile again!
Losing a parent is devastating. But it is the natural order. But not this young!! My mum should have another 40 years left. To grow old disgracefully! My mum is not just one parent either. She's both of ours and has been for 23 years. I can't cope without her. She's who I run to for everything!! And not just her kids run to her. So many of my friends run to her too. I can't do this.
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
When you're told to sit down..
Why is it when someone has big, normally bad, news to tell you, they tell you to sit down?! I want to stand, then I can move the negative energy from my mind to my shifting feet. But instead, when you're sat down, you can't get up once you've heard whatever news it is. And because you can't get up you can't run away, and because you can't run away and pretend you weren't told that news, it crushes you like a thousand 18 wheelers have just run you over.
That's what happened on Monday.
My mum, my hero, the super human-being who raised me and my brother and sister by herself, my rock, my beautiful, inspirational, loving, caring, understanding, perfect, beautiful mother, has cancer. Fucking shitty fucking bollucks licking shitty fucking cancer.
The different reactions are not surprising.. Not in my family.. We all know each other so well we know who needs what to help them take this news in.
I'm not saying "cope" or "deal with" because I don't think it's a case of coping or dealing with this!
It's a case of taking it in and moving forward.. Keep moving forward as Walt Disney so wisely said.
Or at least that's what I'm doing! I never allowed myself to think of this scenario ever rearing its very ugly head but I've gone into mummy mode, for everyone. And that suits me just fine. From the age of 4 (I know now just how really young that is because of my biggest baby) I gave myself a mummy role over G and Dan. So that's how I "dealt with" that life curveball. This one, I'm doing the same, only this time I can mother my mother too!
If I'm gonna speak uncensored and without fear of judgement, which is what I use this for, I'll tell you the complete truth.. This bit's raw mum so if you're reading grab your roll of tissue. I'm not looking at mums diagnosis as her death sentence, my brother asked her when he was told if she's been given a time and that does tend to be people's first query, not that they come out and ask that! But I wouldn't take a doctors timescale as a death sentence even if one was given in this situation. We are all given a death sentence from the second we are born. And NO ONE is promised a tomorrow, EVER. But what pisses me off, angers me, fucks my head up, does my nut in, grinds my gears, however you want to put it, is that my mum, my wonderful mum, has to hurt. My dad hurt before he died, granted it wasn't for very long, but he would have felt pain, as the report so eloquently put it. I didn't know this fact until 6 years ago and by then my dad had already been gone 16 years. So it hit hard, but not devastatingly.
My mum suffering the way she has been for the last 3 months is devastating enough, but to now know that she has to undergo more of this SHIT, fucking hurts. It hurts my head, it hurts my heart, and it bloody well hurts my eyes from all the stinging after the tears.
I cry for what my mum has to go through, I cry for my grandparents, I cry for my brother and sister, I cry for my Ayden who genuinely thinks of my mum as his mum, I cry for Greg, I cry for my babies and my niece, and I cry for me. But like I said I'm in full mummy mode so I cry at night, and at night only. My babies are too young to know anything other than Nana's poorly and will be for a little bit longer so spending my day crying would not be healthy for them. However, for those who can cry without it having a negative affect on a littlun I would say go ahead! From the minute we are born, crying is a sign of life!
Grab life and don't take your health for granted! One of the first things I notice when I get a blocked nose is how much I took breathing through both nostrils for granted! Well I don't anymore! I wake up and breathe in life! Then smile, a good attitude and hope will get this family through this shit!
Love you mum x
That's what happened on Monday.
My mum, my hero, the super human-being who raised me and my brother and sister by herself, my rock, my beautiful, inspirational, loving, caring, understanding, perfect, beautiful mother, has cancer. Fucking shitty fucking bollucks licking shitty fucking cancer.
The different reactions are not surprising.. Not in my family.. We all know each other so well we know who needs what to help them take this news in.
I'm not saying "cope" or "deal with" because I don't think it's a case of coping or dealing with this!
It's a case of taking it in and moving forward.. Keep moving forward as Walt Disney so wisely said.
Or at least that's what I'm doing! I never allowed myself to think of this scenario ever rearing its very ugly head but I've gone into mummy mode, for everyone. And that suits me just fine. From the age of 4 (I know now just how really young that is because of my biggest baby) I gave myself a mummy role over G and Dan. So that's how I "dealt with" that life curveball. This one, I'm doing the same, only this time I can mother my mother too!
If I'm gonna speak uncensored and without fear of judgement, which is what I use this for, I'll tell you the complete truth.. This bit's raw mum so if you're reading grab your roll of tissue. I'm not looking at mums diagnosis as her death sentence, my brother asked her when he was told if she's been given a time and that does tend to be people's first query, not that they come out and ask that! But I wouldn't take a doctors timescale as a death sentence even if one was given in this situation. We are all given a death sentence from the second we are born. And NO ONE is promised a tomorrow, EVER. But what pisses me off, angers me, fucks my head up, does my nut in, grinds my gears, however you want to put it, is that my mum, my wonderful mum, has to hurt. My dad hurt before he died, granted it wasn't for very long, but he would have felt pain, as the report so eloquently put it. I didn't know this fact until 6 years ago and by then my dad had already been gone 16 years. So it hit hard, but not devastatingly.
My mum suffering the way she has been for the last 3 months is devastating enough, but to now know that she has to undergo more of this SHIT, fucking hurts. It hurts my head, it hurts my heart, and it bloody well hurts my eyes from all the stinging after the tears.
I cry for what my mum has to go through, I cry for my grandparents, I cry for my brother and sister, I cry for my Ayden who genuinely thinks of my mum as his mum, I cry for Greg, I cry for my babies and my niece, and I cry for me. But like I said I'm in full mummy mode so I cry at night, and at night only. My babies are too young to know anything other than Nana's poorly and will be for a little bit longer so spending my day crying would not be healthy for them. However, for those who can cry without it having a negative affect on a littlun I would say go ahead! From the minute we are born, crying is a sign of life!
Grab life and don't take your health for granted! One of the first things I notice when I get a blocked nose is how much I took breathing through both nostrils for granted! Well I don't anymore! I wake up and breathe in life! Then smile, a good attitude and hope will get this family through this shit!
Love you mum x
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