You know those storms I was talking about in my last blog, well one has definitely hit today! Anything can trigger it, today it was talking about tattoos!
My first tattoo was one for my Dad - on my back, the words "Daddys Little Angel". Such a typical crappy, not thought about, 18 year old tattoo! I was going through more tattoos I want once baby has arrived, and said to Ayden I wanted that one covered up but didn't know what with. I didn't know what would be special enough - I know the tattoo I'm getting for my Dad instead of the writing but just didn't want the writing anymore. So Ayden very off the cuff just said "surely a bed of roses" and that set me off - not outwardly - but inwardly the storm hit! Then I just spiralled and now it's flooding out of my eyes! So I've decided to roll with it because it's been a while, and now I'm sat here on my laptop listening to bloody Bon Jovi songs - inspiration for some pretty lyrics to put round the bed of roses I am now inevitably getting on my back!
I am a complete mess and it honestly just gets worse and worse but I know I need to get it out or it will just eat me up inside. Something else I learnt from my Mummy was to let your grief out because it will do no good trapped inside.
I need to sort myself out before Ben gets home from work because he's only ever seen me break down once in our relationship and that wasn't because of Mum but just because I had run out of crazy lady pills and couldn't cope with life by the third day. He'll hate me for saying that because he'll want to be there for me through this storm but I'm being "strong" at the moment because I'm the "adult" in the house and when he gets home I'll just sink and it's not fair on him.
There's so much that breaks me in these storms - all the things Mum has missed and will continue to miss. It was supposed to be Dan and Nicki's wedding this weekend just gone and so we went to a field near my sisters house just to get together and mark the occasion and when we came away I just felt a massive shot to the chest that she wasn't there.
She won't ever meet Ben - my rock
She won't ever meet my baby girl, or my nephew
Eric and Immy don't remember her, they don't know how special her hugs were and how they healed every hurt you could experience! Except this one..
This one she can't make better with her cuddle and I'm really struggling with that right now.
🎶 I'm feeling like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night 🎶
Wednesday, 17 June 2020
Thursday, 5 March 2020
The first thing I've written since Mum died.
As the title would suggest this is the first time I've written my blog since Mum died. It's not that I've found it difficult to find things to write about but more that I know that she won't be reading it.
We haven't seen her in 860 days. That's 20640 hours since the day she said goodbye to us. That's really hard to digest, to really fathom that it has been that long!! I still miss her morning texts, and her facebook posts, and her facetime calls, and her Sunday roasts, and her Saturday BBQs with her potato salad, and her smell, and her laugh, and her words of wisdom, and the feeling of being home wherever she was. But most of all I miss her Mummy cuddles.
There have been so many MASSIVE life changes for all 3 of us that she should have been part of, and I know everyone always says that she still is part of them but it just isn't enough on the bad days. Luckily the bad days are few and far between now but when they hit, they bloody hit. I have had some proper awful days in the 860 since she went to see my Dad, and can honestly say that without my babies and my GG I really don't know how I would have gotten through them.
Grief really is such a tragically funny thing because it goes in waves that start off really little and often, the ones that leave the foam on the sand once they've subsided that they wash away almost instantly with the next little wave, and then they become those waves that don't leave a foam and get the bottom of your legs wet, the ones you can jump over if you time it right. And then they die down to almost a calm sea, until the storm hits, and sometimes it's a storm you can ride out, and sometimes it's not. When it's not, I feel like the world is just so fucking cruel and I can't understand or accept that she had to go. I think of one of the memories that is etched in to my brain from when we had just found out she was poorly and I still lived a 5 minute walk away from her. I was driving home one day from somewhere (can't remember where) and Kovu wanted to see Nana, so I stopped off and Mum was in her dressing gown on the sofa. I opened the door as usual without a key, and Mum was smiling from ear to ear that we had dropped by because Kovu wanted a cuddle. We didn't stop long and as we were leaving Mum came to the door and sat on the door step in tears that she was going to miss all this. She actually said to me that she so desperately wanted to live and that it wasn't fair and I swear that day I died a little bit inside because it shouldn't have been happening to my Mum! When that memory rears it's ugly head I then get flooded with all the other memories that are so hard to re-live. Sometimes the good memories will come through and sometimes they make me smile, but most of the time they make me cry even more than the haunting memories, because I know there won't be anymore of these memories made.
However, although it doesn't seem like it but this is actually a very happy blog post and I'm glad I didn't write anything until this day because it makes it even more special. Mum has definitely had something to do with this announcement - and I whole-heartedly believe that!
Bubba #5 for our little blended family is due October (another October baby!!) and I know this one was specially picked by my Mum & Dad together - Dad was getting weary of picking them by himself!
So the boys all want a baby sister (another one to add to their blended family) and as always I'm just hoping she/he has 10 little fingers, 10 little toes, 2 chubby cheeks and a little button nose.
The only roller coaster I've ever enjoyed riding is my life!
We haven't seen her in 860 days. That's 20640 hours since the day she said goodbye to us. That's really hard to digest, to really fathom that it has been that long!! I still miss her morning texts, and her facebook posts, and her facetime calls, and her Sunday roasts, and her Saturday BBQs with her potato salad, and her smell, and her laugh, and her words of wisdom, and the feeling of being home wherever she was. But most of all I miss her Mummy cuddles.
There have been so many MASSIVE life changes for all 3 of us that she should have been part of, and I know everyone always says that she still is part of them but it just isn't enough on the bad days. Luckily the bad days are few and far between now but when they hit, they bloody hit. I have had some proper awful days in the 860 since she went to see my Dad, and can honestly say that without my babies and my GG I really don't know how I would have gotten through them.
Grief really is such a tragically funny thing because it goes in waves that start off really little and often, the ones that leave the foam on the sand once they've subsided that they wash away almost instantly with the next little wave, and then they become those waves that don't leave a foam and get the bottom of your legs wet, the ones you can jump over if you time it right. And then they die down to almost a calm sea, until the storm hits, and sometimes it's a storm you can ride out, and sometimes it's not. When it's not, I feel like the world is just so fucking cruel and I can't understand or accept that she had to go. I think of one of the memories that is etched in to my brain from when we had just found out she was poorly and I still lived a 5 minute walk away from her. I was driving home one day from somewhere (can't remember where) and Kovu wanted to see Nana, so I stopped off and Mum was in her dressing gown on the sofa. I opened the door as usual without a key, and Mum was smiling from ear to ear that we had dropped by because Kovu wanted a cuddle. We didn't stop long and as we were leaving Mum came to the door and sat on the door step in tears that she was going to miss all this. She actually said to me that she so desperately wanted to live and that it wasn't fair and I swear that day I died a little bit inside because it shouldn't have been happening to my Mum! When that memory rears it's ugly head I then get flooded with all the other memories that are so hard to re-live. Sometimes the good memories will come through and sometimes they make me smile, but most of the time they make me cry even more than the haunting memories, because I know there won't be anymore of these memories made.
However, although it doesn't seem like it but this is actually a very happy blog post and I'm glad I didn't write anything until this day because it makes it even more special. Mum has definitely had something to do with this announcement - and I whole-heartedly believe that!
Bubba #5 for our little blended family is due October (another October baby!!) and I know this one was specially picked by my Mum & Dad together - Dad was getting weary of picking them by himself!
So the boys all want a baby sister (another one to add to their blended family) and as always I'm just hoping she/he has 10 little fingers, 10 little toes, 2 chubby cheeks and a little button nose.
The only roller coaster I've ever enjoyed riding is my life!
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