You know those storms I was talking about in my last blog, well one has definitely hit today! Anything can trigger it, today it was talking about tattoos!
My first tattoo was one for my Dad - on my back, the words "Daddys Little Angel". Such a typical crappy, not thought about, 18 year old tattoo! I was going through more tattoos I want once baby has arrived, and said to Ayden I wanted that one covered up but didn't know what with. I didn't know what would be special enough - I know the tattoo I'm getting for my Dad instead of the writing but just didn't want the writing anymore. So Ayden very off the cuff just said "surely a bed of roses" and that set me off - not outwardly - but inwardly the storm hit! Then I just spiralled and now it's flooding out of my eyes! So I've decided to roll with it because it's been a while, and now I'm sat here on my laptop listening to bloody Bon Jovi songs - inspiration for some pretty lyrics to put round the bed of roses I am now inevitably getting on my back!
I am a complete mess and it honestly just gets worse and worse but I know I need to get it out or it will just eat me up inside. Something else I learnt from my Mummy was to let your grief out because it will do no good trapped inside.
I need to sort myself out before Ben gets home from work because he's only ever seen me break down once in our relationship and that wasn't because of Mum but just because I had run out of crazy lady pills and couldn't cope with life by the third day. He'll hate me for saying that because he'll want to be there for me through this storm but I'm being "strong" at the moment because I'm the "adult" in the house and when he gets home I'll just sink and it's not fair on him.
There's so much that breaks me in these storms - all the things Mum has missed and will continue to miss. It was supposed to be Dan and Nicki's wedding this weekend just gone and so we went to a field near my sisters house just to get together and mark the occasion and when we came away I just felt a massive shot to the chest that she wasn't there.
She won't ever meet Ben - my rock
She won't ever meet my baby girl, or my nephew
Eric and Immy don't remember her, they don't know how special her hugs were and how they healed every hurt you could experience! Except this one..
This one she can't make better with her cuddle and I'm really struggling with that right now.
🎶 I'm feeling like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night 🎶
