I was lying in bed last night, and I had started thinking about "what if I forget how to breathe."
I was able to stop this thought because it took me back to a memory. An important memory that I have only JUST been able to connect to my panic attacks. This is where and when it all started! And I hadn't known it until literally last night. I've obviously remembered this memory and thought about it before last night on a few occasions because it's a scary memory, but one with a, kind of, happy undertone.
I was 5/6/7 I can't remember exactly how old, maybe mum remembers?
We were still in the flat, and Dad was no longer with us. (Which is what has allowed me to narrow it down to that age range.)
Us 3 were in bed and mum was downstairs.
What I remember is looking at the lightbulb and beginning to worry that it would never turn on again, I was worrying about how it worked and the fact that I didn't know how it worked, much like how my panic attacks start nowadays. The lack of control or knowledge over the ins and outs of things. (Buildings falling down because I don't understand the structure and how they are put together, how do the massive buildings in London stay up even with shops at the bottom of them with just glass fronts holding them up?!?!?!?! But I'm not going in to that because that's how I'll start one off!)
Then moving on from my lightbulb fear, I thought I might forget how to breathe. And then my breathing got very shallow and hard and I was having to think about breathing in and out. I was having to (or thought I was having to) manually think about how to breathe. I remember running to the top of the stairs with blurry vision honestly thinking I was going to die.
The next thing I remember is mum holding me on our landing with that massive white chest of drawers/changing top/general dumping ground, and breathing in and out with me until I calmed down. I don't have a memory of calming down or getting back in to bed but I remember the panic attack. The first panic attack I ever had and I've only just made the connection and the realisation that it was a panic attack! About a bloody light bulb!!!
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Sunday, 9 November 2014
Panic Attacks
I've been suffering from panic attacks since I was 14. I'm not really sure that there was a trigger for it, maybe just growing up, but I'm certain they stem from my Dads fatal car crash, like a delayed response.
There is no pattern, as such, as to when I have one, but they do tend to follow the same themes, for example, it'll be a windy night and I'll start thinking about the house collapsing. Ridiculous, I know, but at the time of me thinking it, it's not ridiculous and it's a very real threat!
I've had some years where the panic attacks are rare, maybe once a year, and then I'll have a year, like this year, where they just keep coming and lasting longer, and creating even more worry, because I'm worrying about worrying!!!
I am very lucky, as I've mentioned before, in that my family, as ever, is always supportive, and offer words of advice and just a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to bend if I need to go through things with them. The trouble is that, when I'm not panicking, they can tell me over and over again the things that will calm me down, but when I'm having a panic attack, these calming words don't make a blind bit of difference!!
When I'm in that panic mode I just have to concentrate on my breathing! Literally - In and Out, In and Out, once I've calmed my breathing down I can start to count. That then makes my mind concentrate on something other than whatever it is I've thought about to bring it on, and will, eventually, calm me completely. I can think of the specific things that bring on my panic attacks without always having one, which makes it harder to determine when I'm going to have one. If it was the case that, when I think of a certain thing I will have a panic attack I could try to control it by not thinking of whatever it is at all, but it doesn't work like that, unfortunately. Even when I'm talking about what I've had an attack about I can see that it's always an irrational thought or fear, but it doesn't matter when I'm panicking, how ridiculously far fetched the worry is!
So I've got Kalmz to take 3 times daily, and a relief spray to use when I can feel one coming on (although they always happen so quickly that I can't actually stop them!) but I often forget to take them, and also find it difficult to take them because they make me so sleepy. (my Auntie Karen also suggested that the tiredness probably comes from the worry itself as well, and having 2 little boys to run around after of course!) I used to take Kalmz when I was at school and uni to keep the attacks at bay, but I'm finding they're not really working anymore, I think I was more accepting when I was younger, that they would help, now I'm worrying that they won't and I'll still have panic attacks, which makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy!!
I've had suggestions from a lot of people (mainly my Mum and my sister) but never thought about writing the panic attack triggering thoughts down!! (This really should have been thought of long before now, 11 years on, but it just didn't cross my mind!) So on Wednesday (our tradition of going to Auntie Karens for tea) Karen suggested I write these thoughts down to get them out of my head and on to paper! DUH!!! So this is exactly what I'm going to do from now on! It's going to be a massively long list of things because I worry and panic about things no sane person would! It frustrates me, and the last one I had I was crying to G, asking why she doesn't get them? Why doesn't she think the same things as me?
I'll give you a very brief insight into a typical day for me:
I wake up/stop dozing because I don't really sleep because of thoughts racing round my head. If either boy is not in the bed with me I panic that they've stopped breathing in their sleep or they've suffocated under their duvet/pillow/teddy or if it's K, that he's got himself wedged between his bed and the bed guard and suffocated that way (which isn't possible but I still think it!)
I then go in to check on them or whichever one it is that hasn't got into my bed throughout the night. When I realise they are fine, I've already woken them up so we start the day. I triple check that the stair gate is closed because I'm terrified one of them will fall down the stairs and break their neck or smash their head. Then we get ready amongst other worries like they'll fall off the bed and break a bone while I'm brushing my teeth and they are jumping on my bed (typical morning!) I will just add here that I won't stop them doing this or certain other things that make me panic because I understand they are boys, and they are children and I would NEVER want them to suffer because of my worries.
We go on with our day, if it's a pre-school day for K I'll panic that I haven't put enough clothes on them to keep them warm and stop them getting a cold or the flu, or that I've put too many on them and they'll get too hot. I am aware that these things are not going to kill them (at least not directly) and I have got common sense and a flipping level 4 qualification in childcare, but it doesn't mean these worries don't raise their ugly heads!
I then get home and do some form of activity with R, all the while worrying that K will get hurt or be upset while I'm not with him. Then R goes for a sleep, wakes up and has lunch, at this point I worry about R choking, which then makes me worry about K choking at pre-school and no one realising!! I am counting down the minutes until we pick up K and then when I get him home I do another activity with them both.
The day goes on like this and by the time the boys are in bed I then worry about how the day has gone, if I have done enough with them, stressed at them at all, handled situations the right way with them, if they have full bellies, have had enough to drink throughout the day so they don't wake up with headaches, if K has had too much to drink before bed and is going to wet the bed or not, and if they've gone to sleep happy and with nice dreams. (I'm going to be a wreck when they have their first nightmare!)
This doesn't cover the other worries I'll have if they have been playing rough with Daddy, Uncle Dan Dan, Uncle Jamie etc. If they do a roly poly I panic they will break their neck, if one of my horrible family members (who I swear do it on purpose :p) have been throwing either of them up and down and swinging them round, or even just putting them on their shoulders, I worry that they'll drop them, they'll hit their head and then bleed internally or be disabled from a head injury!
I realise these are over protective thoughts and so only stop them from doing these things if I've got to the point where I can't keep the panic away but I really do try to stop having these thoughts and worrying about stupid things that I shouldn't let worry me!!
I think it boils down to one thing, control. If I don't have control over something, I tend to start worrying about it which then can lead to a panic attack if I can't shift the fear.
Ebola and ISIS have been two things recently that I've really had to work on to stop a panic attack coming from the thoughts about either of them.
But some things are so deeply in my head that I can't even work on them.
I will stress here, that at no point have I ever had a panic attack in front of my boys, they tend to overwhelm me at night when the boys are safely tucked up in bed, thankfully.
The reason my panic attacks stem from my Dads car crash is that I am constantly aware and thinking of the fact that it takes a simple second for your whole life to change, or end! And it doesn't have to be your doing either! I have been driven around in a car by someone who was speeding and I have said to them to slow down and their response was "it's okay, I know these roads like the back of my hand!" My response to that was "You might, but someone else might not, or a deer/rabbit/fox could run in front of you, then what?!" I've heard on so many occasions the phrase "I would never endanger you/the boys etc" and my thoughts on that phrase is that no one would.... intentionally! But my Dad didn't endanger himself intentionally either! It was another drivers fault, another drivers mistake. Even if it had been my Dads mistake, that split second, that single decision determined the rest of his life, and ours. No one thinks like this.
But I do!
There is no pattern, as such, as to when I have one, but they do tend to follow the same themes, for example, it'll be a windy night and I'll start thinking about the house collapsing. Ridiculous, I know, but at the time of me thinking it, it's not ridiculous and it's a very real threat!
I've had some years where the panic attacks are rare, maybe once a year, and then I'll have a year, like this year, where they just keep coming and lasting longer, and creating even more worry, because I'm worrying about worrying!!!
I am very lucky, as I've mentioned before, in that my family, as ever, is always supportive, and offer words of advice and just a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to bend if I need to go through things with them. The trouble is that, when I'm not panicking, they can tell me over and over again the things that will calm me down, but when I'm having a panic attack, these calming words don't make a blind bit of difference!!
When I'm in that panic mode I just have to concentrate on my breathing! Literally - In and Out, In and Out, once I've calmed my breathing down I can start to count. That then makes my mind concentrate on something other than whatever it is I've thought about to bring it on, and will, eventually, calm me completely. I can think of the specific things that bring on my panic attacks without always having one, which makes it harder to determine when I'm going to have one. If it was the case that, when I think of a certain thing I will have a panic attack I could try to control it by not thinking of whatever it is at all, but it doesn't work like that, unfortunately. Even when I'm talking about what I've had an attack about I can see that it's always an irrational thought or fear, but it doesn't matter when I'm panicking, how ridiculously far fetched the worry is!
So I've got Kalmz to take 3 times daily, and a relief spray to use when I can feel one coming on (although they always happen so quickly that I can't actually stop them!) but I often forget to take them, and also find it difficult to take them because they make me so sleepy. (my Auntie Karen also suggested that the tiredness probably comes from the worry itself as well, and having 2 little boys to run around after of course!) I used to take Kalmz when I was at school and uni to keep the attacks at bay, but I'm finding they're not really working anymore, I think I was more accepting when I was younger, that they would help, now I'm worrying that they won't and I'll still have panic attacks, which makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy!!
I've had suggestions from a lot of people (mainly my Mum and my sister) but never thought about writing the panic attack triggering thoughts down!! (This really should have been thought of long before now, 11 years on, but it just didn't cross my mind!) So on Wednesday (our tradition of going to Auntie Karens for tea) Karen suggested I write these thoughts down to get them out of my head and on to paper! DUH!!! So this is exactly what I'm going to do from now on! It's going to be a massively long list of things because I worry and panic about things no sane person would! It frustrates me, and the last one I had I was crying to G, asking why she doesn't get them? Why doesn't she think the same things as me?
I'll give you a very brief insight into a typical day for me:
I wake up/stop dozing because I don't really sleep because of thoughts racing round my head. If either boy is not in the bed with me I panic that they've stopped breathing in their sleep or they've suffocated under their duvet/pillow/teddy or if it's K, that he's got himself wedged between his bed and the bed guard and suffocated that way (which isn't possible but I still think it!)
I then go in to check on them or whichever one it is that hasn't got into my bed throughout the night. When I realise they are fine, I've already woken them up so we start the day. I triple check that the stair gate is closed because I'm terrified one of them will fall down the stairs and break their neck or smash their head. Then we get ready amongst other worries like they'll fall off the bed and break a bone while I'm brushing my teeth and they are jumping on my bed (typical morning!) I will just add here that I won't stop them doing this or certain other things that make me panic because I understand they are boys, and they are children and I would NEVER want them to suffer because of my worries.
We go on with our day, if it's a pre-school day for K I'll panic that I haven't put enough clothes on them to keep them warm and stop them getting a cold or the flu, or that I've put too many on them and they'll get too hot. I am aware that these things are not going to kill them (at least not directly) and I have got common sense and a flipping level 4 qualification in childcare, but it doesn't mean these worries don't raise their ugly heads!
I then get home and do some form of activity with R, all the while worrying that K will get hurt or be upset while I'm not with him. Then R goes for a sleep, wakes up and has lunch, at this point I worry about R choking, which then makes me worry about K choking at pre-school and no one realising!! I am counting down the minutes until we pick up K and then when I get him home I do another activity with them both.
The day goes on like this and by the time the boys are in bed I then worry about how the day has gone, if I have done enough with them, stressed at them at all, handled situations the right way with them, if they have full bellies, have had enough to drink throughout the day so they don't wake up with headaches, if K has had too much to drink before bed and is going to wet the bed or not, and if they've gone to sleep happy and with nice dreams. (I'm going to be a wreck when they have their first nightmare!)
This doesn't cover the other worries I'll have if they have been playing rough with Daddy, Uncle Dan Dan, Uncle Jamie etc. If they do a roly poly I panic they will break their neck, if one of my horrible family members (who I swear do it on purpose :p) have been throwing either of them up and down and swinging them round, or even just putting them on their shoulders, I worry that they'll drop them, they'll hit their head and then bleed internally or be disabled from a head injury!
I realise these are over protective thoughts and so only stop them from doing these things if I've got to the point where I can't keep the panic away but I really do try to stop having these thoughts and worrying about stupid things that I shouldn't let worry me!!
I think it boils down to one thing, control. If I don't have control over something, I tend to start worrying about it which then can lead to a panic attack if I can't shift the fear.
Ebola and ISIS have been two things recently that I've really had to work on to stop a panic attack coming from the thoughts about either of them.
But some things are so deeply in my head that I can't even work on them.
I will stress here, that at no point have I ever had a panic attack in front of my boys, they tend to overwhelm me at night when the boys are safely tucked up in bed, thankfully.
The reason my panic attacks stem from my Dads car crash is that I am constantly aware and thinking of the fact that it takes a simple second for your whole life to change, or end! And it doesn't have to be your doing either! I have been driven around in a car by someone who was speeding and I have said to them to slow down and their response was "it's okay, I know these roads like the back of my hand!" My response to that was "You might, but someone else might not, or a deer/rabbit/fox could run in front of you, then what?!" I've heard on so many occasions the phrase "I would never endanger you/the boys etc" and my thoughts on that phrase is that no one would.... intentionally! But my Dad didn't endanger himself intentionally either! It was another drivers fault, another drivers mistake. Even if it had been my Dads mistake, that split second, that single decision determined the rest of his life, and ours. No one thinks like this.
But I do!
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