Since my Mum died, I've felt like I've had no safety net to fall into when life has got a bit tough. I would turn to my GG at the beginning, and more recently I'll turn to my Ben. Since October 2018, I've not hidden the fact that I've been taking a special little table that literally changed my life overnight! I was having up to 5 panic attacks a day, I couldn't sleep, I was physically sick, clammy, tearful, irritable, just a bit of a mess! On these tablets, I was strong enough to say no more to the relationship I had found myself in with the boys Dad (we have a far better friendship now and I wouldn't change it for the world!) and things started falling into place. I was in my forever job, and although at the start of that job I felt as if I had bitten off more than I could chew, as soon as I started taking my magic pill I knew this was the job I wanted to be in forever - or at least until I hit retirement age! I was living in my forever home with my 3 babies and I was making it my own after saying goodbye to Ayden. Once I had been on the tablets for a few months and things were settled I joined an app called Bumble, firstly in the hope of just having a bit of fun. One of these "bits of fun" turned into a bit more and I have ended up with a beautiful baby girl and a fiancé! I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I could not be happier or more content with what I have now. So this leads me to the reason for the blog today. I am now in a place in my life where I don't need my magic pill to balance me out. Life is calm and my safety net is all fixed and now in the form of my sister, my fiancé and a bunch of literally amazing friends. It's day 4 without the tablet completely - I originally cut it down to one every other day, and then one day on, two days off, and now I've cut it out completely. I'm dizzy and shakey, was sick 2 nights ago, but I am determined to come off my magic pill so will push on! I had a wobble in the early hours of this morning thinking I needed to take it because it's part of what makes me, me now, but I heard my Mum say "don't you dare!" So obviously I didn't and here we are! It may all change again when we come out of lockdown - this is hard to explain but having Generalised Anxiety Disorder, lockdown has been really calming for me. I completely understand how awful and worrying lockdown is for most people but for me personally it has been a time of very little worry. I've been able to keep the boys inside and with me, I haven't had to make up excuses as to why I can't meet up with people on the days where I just can't face it, I have been extremely lucky that I haven't had to worry about money (a combination of working for the council, being on maternity leave, Ben working in a key worker position, and having so many awesome family and friends to call on if needed!) Obviously there are the odd occasions where I do worry, but as a whole it's just worry, not panic - not including the fright of my life that bubba decided to give me last week!
So anyway, wish me luck, send me prayers, or positive energy, or whatever it is you believe in and here's to this next part of my journey ❤︎
Love you all x
