Struggling tonight.
Eric won't settle so I do what I always do and sing to him.. First song that always comes out is Any Dream Will Do from Joseph. It's the song Mum used to sing to me and it's without fail always the first song that comes easily to my head. I remember having nights after my Dad died when I wouldn't settle and Mum lay on our bed with us and stroked my hair singing this song. Because of how special this song is I now cry every time I sing it to one of my babies to settle them. (Thought this was cute so just adding it in, Eric is currently wiping my tears on my chin as he tries to stick his fingers in my mouth, something all 3 of mine have done when they're trying to keep themselves awake!)
So anyway, because I was crying I thought I'd find the song on YouTube and play it to Eric that way. And in doing this I found tickets for Joseph in June/July at MK. I went to book them online but then remembered Mum would probably need a wheelchair by then. So I have to ring to book. That, of course, is not a problem! What's upsetting is that it's gonna come to that..
My best friend sent me a picture today of a TimeHop with her Mummy and that hurt. I was sad that she was sad and then I remembered..
I don't want to be doing that! Not until I'm sixty fucking six!!!!
My Dad missed everything! EVERYTHING!! My first day of school, and everything beyond, Gina's hair hadn't even grown beyond her shoulders when he died, and he never saw Dan take his first mouthful of food or see his first tooth come through! He didn't see any of our teeth fall out, let alone any of the other things! Even Dans first Christmas for fucks sake!!
So Mum shouldn't have to miss a goddamn thing!!!!
My Grandma has seen her grandchildren (actually only me and G at the moment, but whatever) have kids of our own, something my Mum is never gonna see.
Mum won't even see the youngest of her own children have a baby.
Who the fuck decided that was the way it should be?!?!?!
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
My Dad missed everything so Mum didn't have to miss anything
So all of this is wrong.. Completely wrong. And shit. And shitty fucking bollucks shitty shitty shit shit
